Tips for a Successful Spring Clean

I am by no means the tidiest person in the world, in fact my bedroom ordinarily looks like someone has ransacked it. I am about to commence a spring clean, the best thing to do when I should be preparing for exams. This is procrastination on a whole new level!

A list of things you need while spring cleaning;
- A good playlist, I find www.thisismyjam.com a good source of music.
- Ruthlessness you can't be in that mindset where you think you'll be needing that piece of string or that plastic bag sometime soon, "just in case"
- A lot of time I know you think it won't take you long, but it will and if you don't have enough time you will have to sleep in a room that is reminiscent of a bomb-site
- Lastly, you will need patience and a heavy supply of snacks and coffee.

This has been procrastination of the procrastination. Some sort of weird Inception stuff going on here. I'd best get some coffee inside me, and get cracking on the explosion that is my bedroom. Wish me luck.

Would it be naive?

Would it be foolish to say that this is love?
Would it be foolish to say we fit, hand in glove?
I think we'll remain together when push comes to shove.
So is it that naive to say that this could be love?

Some people say 'don't rush' that we're going too fast.
They don't don't see that together we were made to last.
When I'm with you I don't worry or dwell upon the past.
I feel like I'm a ship and you guide me, my mast.

I wrote a little poem.

Erotica and Insomnia

I don't know about you, but any number of sweaty, heavy breathing people engaging in sexual acts is no turn on for me whatsoever. As you well know I am a big fan of reading, and that carries over to my sexual pleasure and masturbatory habits. I get a lot of arousal through reading erotic stories. In particular ones about an older male English teacher or professor and a young, but not slutty, female student. This may or may not reflect a relationship that I myself wish I would have had with a certain teacher, Mr. Marks. I won't dwell too much upon Mr. Marks because I will get... excited shall we say. If I can't sleep I'll often create scenarios in my head between him and I, maybe I stay behind to ask him for help and he strolls over to the door, locks it, and we have passionate sex by his desk. To name but one scenario! There are endless possibilities when your mind is the maker. You should try it if you can't sleep, it works.

If you can't sleep due to your brain not having an off switch then these are good to try, sort of variations on the same thing; - Imagine a dirty alleyway with graffiti and other such things, then you see a little old, generic looking man wearing a flat-cap pushing an industrial sized bin into your "mind screen". You throw all of your thoughts, and that bloody song that's been stuck in your head all day into the bin. Shut it quickly, get the little man to lock it and then he'll push it off the other side of the screen. You'll find that you're mind is clear, not a thought in sight. Although it doesn't stay that way for long so get relaxed as soon as possible.
- Another one like this is to have a field with a hot air balloon in the middle, and lock all of your thoughts in a box, pop it into the hot air balloon and and sever its ties with the ground, let it float away.
- And lastly, my current favourite, is to have a blank white mind screen, almost instantly your thoughts appear and clutter the space. So you imagine a white ball of energy at the bottom in the middle, then the ball gets bigger and bigger and a force field now surrounds your ball of energy, so the thoughts start to bounce off. Eventually the ball takes over the whole screen and the thoughts are gone for quite a while.

I know what insomnia feels like and I know it can be the most horrible experience, sometimes I feel like the morning isn't going to come if I can't get to sleep. We all get a bit strange at night though don't we? Thinking in a morbid way and, me personally, at night when I'm alone the only thoughts that want to circulate my noggin are negative ones, ones that are telling me how much I need to improve my life and whatnot. Hence why I've devised a few techniques to shut them up! I hope they help you in some way. You can take one and put your own spin on it, whatever works for you.

This has been somewhat a mish-mash of two potential posts, but one topic seemed to flow nicely from the other so I figured why the hell not!

Gender; Boys Don't Cry

I would like to dedicate this post to the memory of Brandon Teena (1972-1993)

I watched the film Boys Don't Cry today, it was so powerful and emotional. I'm sure I'll never forget it. Hilary Swank plays Brandon Teena, a female to male transgender man. She portrayed the part so well, I forgot that she was an actress and completely believed her performance. I will admit that I didn't know it was based on the true story of Brandon Teena until the end in which it tells the audience what happened to the men that abused, raped and murdered him. At that point I was sobbing, I just could not believe that people are so small minded. I was sitting in my bedroom, shaking with rage at the monstrous behaviour of the two men, john lotter and tom nissen (their names do not deserve capital letters in my opinion) I was utterly gobsmacked. I am lost for words, the anger and sadness I felt could not be put into words.

I'm studying gender in psychology at the moment, and it reduces it to genetics, and hormones. It makes me sad that it hardly brushes over the psychological aspect of gender. "Traditional" gender roles are a social construct, why are men still being paid more than women? Why is it humiliating or unnacceptable for a man to be feminine, or a woman to be masculine without being called a fag or a dyke. I just hate the world sometimes.

Why can't a person identify as whatever gender they feel that they are? I don't see how it could offend anyone. Just how? Why can't someone with the XY chromosome wear make up, or have long hair or act like society feels that someone with the XX chromosome "should act"? If I fall in love with someone it's because I like them, as a person, not what's in their underwear, or what has been in there previously, or what may or may not be there in the future. I love people for people not for their genitals. I think small minded people don't like seeing someone who is transgender because it confuses them and their tiny brains. They feel that their own sexuality and identity are being challenged so they attack the unknown. Which is ridiculous and I really hope this changes in the near future. I'm still in disbelief that same sex couples can't get married! What the hell is this? This is going to stop being coherent pretty soon because my emotions are spilling over the top here.

Lastly I will just say that you should just be who you want to be, whether that's straight, gay, bisexual, transgender, male, female, pansexual, asexual, transexual, transvestite, tortoise. ANYthing, just be who your heart wants to be. Love yourself and who you are.

Do E-Readers mean the Death of the Written Word?

Not too long ago I was a Kindle hater, I used to become angry and sulky whenever someone even dared mention the word 'E-Reader' and the phrase 'Doesn't glare in the sunlight' used to bring out the Hulk in me. Do you know what else doesn't glare in sunlight? and doesn't need to be charged? A BLOODY BOOK. However, there has been a slow transition into passionate love for my very own Kindle. One of my friends, Ann got a Kindle, and I was pretty harsh, claiming that she was the reason that bookshops are closing all over the place and she was contributing the death of the printed word. Whilst I was unashamedly bashing her life choices, there was a completely different story occurring in my head. I was thinking, this is actually quite clever. It really doesn't glare in direct sunlight. From then on, the seed had been planted. For a long time after that I hadn't thought about the controversial world of e-readers, until my best friend, Kate got one for Christmas. I managed to get a close inspection of the previously despised device. Although I was still apprehensive, it exceeded all of my expectations, it has many dictionaries, in a variety of languages. So if you're reading The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, you will inevitably need some French translation as Conan Doyle loved a good French proverb or arbitrarily placed phrase. Why? Goodness knows, but obviously the dictionaries come in handy!

Another brilliant thing about the Kindle is that there are so many free books to download. I can't delay it any longer, I bought one. Okay okay, I've already been awarded hypocrite of the century award by all of my friends, so you can leave it out! The vast majority of classic, canonical literature is free or available for a very very reasonable price. I downloaded The Grimm's Fairy Stories, Jane Eyre, Les Miserables, Paradise Lost, Dracula and Pride & Prejudice all free of charge. That's fantastic in my eyes! A lot of the time I buy books that I've never read (usually canonical literature like Great Expectations etc.) and if I don't particularly like the book I feel as though I've wasted what is usually quite a bit of money for a book you aren't too fussed over. I would sell them on but I'm a bit of a hoarder so ordinarily they just stay dusty on my bookshelf. I think these free books are a great opportunity for readers to try out different books, see what they like, and most of the authors of these classic works aren't around any more so I don't feel as though they're being cheated out of any money. I also got The Complete Sherlock Holmes Collection for 77 British pennies. How spectacular is that? If I love any of the books I read on my Kindle I will buy a hard copy of them, because I like to collect books, and smell them. A big part of the reading experience for me is turning the pages and smelling that familiar smell, that reminds me of a safe place, or an adventure. That's the only trouble with a Kindle and other e-readers; you don't get the full reading experience. That's what I am personally dreading. If books stop being printed and are only being downloaded, generations of readers will miss out on the wonderful experience that is real reading.

I stayed at Harry's last night, we watched food programmes on television and got really hungry. Then we got tired, then we got canoodley! I really like this one, I won't say love just yet but sometimes I feel as though I love you is always on the tip of my tongue and I have to try quite hard not to just blurt it out. I have no idea if he feels the same way I do, but he continually says 'I really really like you' but we have only been in a relationship for about two weeks (15 days but who's counting?) I don't feel as though I'm rushing anything, but I don't know if he is feeling as strongly as I am so soon in the relationship. I bloody hope so, otherwise I'll be falling in love with him and end up flat on my face because he's walked away and forgotten to catch me. I will also say that he is spectacular in bed, partly due to medication that he takes, a side effect of which is prolonged sexual stamina. It takes him a while to... finish shall we say. How perfect is that? Much better than premature ejaculation anyway! It's been a long time since I've had sex, so it was a bit like the first time again, but he was so gentle with me, and I really appreciated that. Nonetheless I'm still a bit sore today, we were at it for quite some time. Is this too much information? Who am I kidding, you love a dirty story! I think that will do for your filthy fix, you cheeky buggers!

How to Reject an Ardent Admirer in the Late 19th Century.

I stumbled upon this charming poem today by Christina Rosetti, a 19th century poet, called No Thank You John. It is amazing, more power to the proto-feminist herself!

I never said I loved you, John: Why will you tease me day by day, And wax a weariness to think upon With always "do" and "pray"?

You Know I never loved you, John; No fault of mine made me your toast: Why will you haunt me with a face as wan As shows an hour-old ghost?

I dare say Meg or Moll would take Pity upon you, if you'd ask: And pray don't remain single for my sake Who can't perform the task.

I have no heart?-Perhaps I have not; But then you're mad to take offence That don't give you what I have not got: Use your common sense.

Let bygones be bygones: Don't call me false, who owed not to be true: I'd rather answer "No" to fifty Johns Than answer "Yes" to you.

Let's mar our pleasant days no more, Song-birds of passage, days of youth: Catch at today, forget the days before: I'll wink at your untruth.

Let us strike hands as hearty friends; No more, no less; and friendship's good: Only don't keep in veiw ulterior ends, And points not understood

In open treaty. Rise above Quibbles and shuffling off and on: Here's friendship for you if you like; but love,- No, thank you, John.

Poor old John, I think she did a beautiful job of telling him to jog on. Before I saw who had written this little beauty I thought it must have been a Carol Ann Duffy affair, but alas! Christina Rosetti, writer of the colossal Goblin's Market. So yes, in literary love with this poem.

My bedroom currently looks as though it has recently been ransacked for valuables. In short, it's a mess. I have a relatively effective system with my bedroom; tidy up, let it get messy until I cannot get from one side to the other without walking into something and shouting vulgarities at a shoe or stray bag (the state in which it currently stands) but I have a dilemma, despite my room being in this stage, it looks like too big a job to do. I have no idea where to start, this could be the beginning of something terrible. You'll see me on How Clean Is Your House? or Hoarders. This is how it begins!

I know you must be sick of talk about my other half, Harry from yesterdays post but here I am again talking about him. Don't judge. He's forever giving me unconventional temporary nicknames, calling me strange names of celebrities (alive and dead,) characters from films, books, and television shows etc. I'll give you the definitive list;

-Ray Mears -Margaret Thatcher -Inspector Gadget -Nelson Mandela -Aladdin -Crazy Monk -Bruce Forsythe -Terry Wogan -PC Plod -Saucy Cow -Mr. Bigglesworth -Sigmund Freud -John Barrowman -Wee Willie Winkle -Keith Chegwin -Audrey Hepburn -Marlon Brando -Pipsqueak -Dobby -Rumplestiltskin -Harrison Ford -Brian Badonde -Colonel Mustard -Professor Plum -Trevor McDonald

I hadn't realised how damn long that list is, we've only been a couple for twelve days now. Jeez Louise. I'll nip this boyfriend talk in the bud, otherwise you'll never hear the end of it.

Mum's boyfriend Pete is in the kitchen, playing house-husband making the dinner. It smells so good! All I want to do is go down there, stuff my face with perfectly cooked potatoes and collapse in a post-dinner euphoria. Unfortunately my Mum is working relatively late tonight so that means a significant delay on dinner. I'm devastated, I need sustenance! Now.

An Update in the Form of Word Vomit

Ahh, bonjour dear strangers! It's been a very long time since my last entry, around 5 months in fact. Jesus, that is a while isn't it? Well let me say that a lot has changed in my formerly boring life!

Firstly, I am no longer single and reluctant to mingle, I am now in a brand spanking new relationship with a lovely fellow named Harry. We first encountered each other, drunk, at a mutual friend's party. I saw him and was instantly attracted to his countless tattoos and his fantastic handlebar moustache. Needless to say I am utterly smitten! (Have I used too many exclamation marks? Well I'm excited so they're justified. Nearly put another one at the end of that last sentence, I think I'm addicted.) He met my entire family on our first official "date" and wasn't worried at all. It might be partly due to his.. let's say life experience. Okay, okay he's six years my senior. He doesn't act as old as he is though, and he doesn't make me feel particularly young, plus age is but a number. So anyway, he met my entire family (the most crackers bunch of people you will ever meet) and stayed the night at my house. We watched television until teleshopping came on, and just talked (amongst other things if you know what I mean) until the sun came up. He turned to me and said, "It's light outside." I was so shocked, I neglected the fact that the morning will still come even if I don't sleep. I know it's a cliché but I feel like I've known him for a long time, despite only being in a relationship with him for eleven days, he's a friend who I can be silly with and also be intimate with.
My goodness, I've turned into a soppy cow! Sometimes I feel a bit ill at how cutesy we are. Let's move away from this subject, I'm probably boring you into a coma.

I turned eighteen not long ago, and despite my initial thoughts it doesn't feel any different. I hardly get asked for ID when I buy drinks. So it's sort of like still being seventeen, I've engaged in one clubbing experience, (Bearing in mind that I am bookish and like being indoors) I went deaf in my left ear for a week and was convinced that I had tinnitus. It wasn't so bad while I was there because I had imbibed copious amounts of alcohol. Frequently running to the bar hastily fishing money out of my bra shouting "JÄGERRRRR!" What an embarrassment I was, the bright side is that I'll never see any of those people again. Aside from the ones that attend the same college as me. Oh dear. Needless to say I haven't been again yet, and I hope to keep it that way for a while. Now my relationship status is Taken I have a valid excuse for staying in with my boyfriend and being boring, because luckily for me we are very nearly the same person, he loves what I love. Sorry, I'm back on this subject. I'll attempt (in vain I'm sure) to keep shtum about it.

Another thing that's happening right now/pretty soon is university organisation and exams. I ventured to sort out my student finance last night and after having a mini heart attack due to the misplacement of my national insurance number, I got down to it. Why does directgov insist on being so user unfriendly, using silly jargon that my mother nor I could figure out. I managed to declare that I'm not a resident of the UK (I've hardly been out of the country in all my eighteen years) due to the ridiculous wording of the question. Then my mother was being entirely unhelpful, just saying, "It's the first time I'm doing all this." Oh right of course Mum, I'd completely forgotten that I applied to university last year!! Good grief! I've decided to sacrifice the wonderful surroundings of Brighton university for the University of Chichester, due to the lack of faith I have in my ability to get an A in at least one of my subjects. I'm not unintelligent, just lazy, which is the bane of my life. If I could just read all day and not need food or water, I would be so happy. That is part of the reason I aspire to become a book editor, that and my love of correcting other people's mistakes. I have a field day every time my psychology teacher gives us the new booklet. I wonder sometimes how she got a degree at all.

Well this has been positively delightful! I promise that I will be much more active from now on, with exponentially more interesting entries than this one. Thanks for being there and reading this if indeed you've stayed this long, if not, I don't blame you. I wouldn't read this drivel.